crazy nights in the cross

So holy shit.

here's an update.

I got offered to do a modelling gig. $1500 to do three days of shooting with Nirrimi, the prodigy photographer. sweet.

nothing can come close to describing the past 3 days. Take yourself. take away all the bullshit in your life that gives you strife. place yourself in gorgeous locations with a beer in your hand. I got paid to do that.

NOT ONLY THAT. but, in a sense, I got paid to get wasted. thus the story begins.

Thursday was our last day of shooting. we were all tired as fuck, and just wanted to close up shop. we'd gotten some great shots, we just needed a few more. wrapping up in the afternoon, we had one last location to hit: the warehouse party. So we arrive with 2 kegs and a slab. the clients show up, bringing us a box of cowboy shots, smirnoff blacks, more beers and some great munchies.

THIS IS WHERE IT GOT WILD. now look. we'd been smoking weed every day. everybody on the team was more than happy to smoke, and the producer even shouted us his dak. that was already so chilled and cool to start with... who would have thought I'd end up doing coke in an elevator right before I was about to get decked in the face.

some crazy shit went down that night. I was pretty fucked, but here is my recount of the events of the night.

first off, here is the crew:

N (photographer)

M (N's now ex boyfriend)

B (model #1)

U (model #1's friend)

S (model #2)

L (producer)

C (agent)

clients x4

driver x1

after the warehouse party, we go and drink in the hotel room for a bit longer. S rolled us a fatty, whilst L rolled a dutch. we went up to the roof, and smoked both. Oh, did I mention that robin william's daughter had been kicking with us all day? She's a crazy cool chick from san fran, who is full of energy and has a great sense of humour. she's kinda like a hyperactive hot pixie. anyway. we smoked these doobs between us all, and started to go downstairs. N and I stayed behind to clean up, and to check out the view. I had an unlit cigarette dangling from my lips, but she came close and I pushed it out. I stepped forward, and we probably about to kiss, when M appeared behind N and we all went downstairs.

N and I decided to go down and look for B and U. bear in mind we are all wasted. we find B and U, and they happen to have a small bag of a delicious looking white powder. we are all giggling and running up the stairs trying to find a place to sit down and have some, and rock into a corridor on level 2. M suddenly appeared, and became a massive nark to N. suppressing her, making her feel bad for having fun on her birthday. It's N's 18th btw. so he fucks off to go have a cry, and we all go into the elevator and have a key each (a small pile on the end of a key). Everything suddenly was great, and the situation was no longer fucked. who cares? we hit the bottom (of the elevator), and are sitting in the stairs with le celeb, S, B, U, N and I. M shows up, and sits down quietly. So I'm pretty damn drunk right.

The motherfucker swiped at my beer, sending it flying out of my hands and smashing all over the floor. Next thing I know, I'm being smashed on the chin, and he pulls a bail session. He breaks the hotel door's glass, and legs it to god knows where.

we're all like... FUCK. what the fuck. we all go upstairs and regroup on the roof for cake. we all have a toast, eat some cake, and it's ruined by the hotel's manager saying he's gonna call the cops coz of yada yada yada.

anyway. we bail, and he comes back for another scrap. he then runs off again. we finish the coke, go to the club and get more drunk, then I make an epic journey back home, stopping off at luke's place for a session. I finally get home at 330am, ready for school at 8.

to belle

hey belle.

I'm sorry but this is getting ridiculous for me... you're one of my best friends and this is the second time in a month you've needed space from me. I'm sorry for making you feel like that (nobody likes it) and I was just doing my best to keep the balance with caroline easy for you... I dont want you to think ive forgotten about you so I make extra effort to come see you when I can. or offer to. its got nothing to do with the sex (just in case), and the 'i love you so much's are because I really do, and dont see the point in not telling you, i figure it can only make you feel good. if I start to get too clingy for you, TELL ME. just say it. tell me to fuck off or something. don't let it build up and make this happen please. I hate this. I hate clingy people too and don't want to become one. if im off the point then please tell me.

but whatever. take your time. im sorry you feel that way and I'll speak to you when I speak to you.

x

for sara

Hey sara!

I'm so bad. this is so long after I said I'd write you! I'm shocking, but I miss you! I still can't believe we haven't met. I feel like I know you so well!

I remember how we met: I was trying to add someone from a website I'd met, and their name was 'sea_92'. but I added sea92- and I'm so glad I did. I love it that even when it's like 3am I can still find you online to talk to! company when I can't sleep is the best.

I hope you're ok about breaking up with your boyfriend. I understand now the kind of shock it is to your life (if you were serious with him...). Leïla and I broke up over a month ago. being single is fun though don't you reckon?

I've sort of met someone already though. which kinda ruins the point of being free. she is the opposite to leïla in every way and I think that's why I'm so attracted to this new girl. I want to go clubbing and meet lots of people! Dance to good music and have fun.

Take this letter as a belated happy birthday too! I was meant to write you a birthday letter a long time ago and didn't. so HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

write me soon! :)

~Harley x

for cris

Hola cariñosa!

Cristina it has been so long since I said I'd actually send this. I'm sorry. Here I am, sitting in the library doing work cuando realicé que hay una cosa mas importante que mis examenes: tu carta!

te hecho mucho de menos! lo siento que no volvé al españa cuando he decidido :(. es complicado con colegio... solo tengo menos de 2 meses dejados. no puedo esparar estar libre. pienso que res muy cerca de terminar el colegio no? cuantos dias tienes? tengo mis examenes en este momento. que rollo. que quieres hacer el año proximo? para mi, creo que vivir en Nueva Zelanda sera muy interesante... quiero conocer muchas gentes y trabajo en photographie.

So I broke up with Leïla. no podemos continuar mi relacion con ella porque me quiere mucho mas que se quiero... y tambien nos discuciones son pequeños y sobre cosas muy trivial. Necesitado un cambio.

so I finished it. despues de 3 años. que piensas?

hay una chica que se llama Caroline, y es todos que Leïla no esta. aborecado cuando leïla fumaba los cigarettes y cuando bebia el alcohol. Caroline hace todos pero con estilo... y no tengo un problema con el. en realidad, pienso que me gusta el cambio entero (y lo necesito tambien...). no se la palabra en español pero en ingles teniamos "smitten". es una palabra muy linda que significa... es un poco como enamorado. me siento mal para leïla pero estoy muy contento a cause de caroline. no pienso que es una cosa mal.

que pasan todos allí? No se si hablas con personas que sabe... pero si vistas pablo, o ines o maria, dirlo hola por mi?

te quiero mucho mi corazon!

~Harley xxx

an open relationship.

so this idea has fascinated me for some time now. by definition, an open relationship is one where two lovers are not exclusive sexual partners, but are in a sense, each other's favourite. The love exclusivity without the exclusivity. or something.

what's the big deal? It's hard. jealousy runs strong in these situations, where it's important to remember they LOVE YOU VERY MUCH and it doesnt matter who's bigger or better.

it usually goes on a like, don't ask, don't tell agreement, where the other person doesn't want to hear about it and doesn't need to hear about it. falling for other people is kinda a no-no, so it's best to keep it physical, unless you can juggle that many hearts at once.

I'd do it. I want to do it. I would treat the metaphorical 'her' as a lover, but have the freedom to be with other people. it would be SUCH an experience. such a new way to experience love.

consider it.

Me

given.. stuff

ok <3

15:50C

What makes you think I'm not the same with other guys

we're both in the same situation arent we

15:50Me

what do you mean?

15:51C

okay here we go, me trying to explain something

15:51Me

:D do it

15:51C

we're both single and just wanna go with whatever and fuck around and what not

15:52Me

yus

that wasnt that bad you explained it in a sentence

15:52C

hahahah

woooo !

15:52Me

yeah! yeah I do

but its complicated

coz im kinda smitten

so in actual fact

i wouldnt speak to you about other boys for my own purposes

and about other girls also

haha boys whoops

15:53C

hahahahha

you fucked that up

15:53Me

yup.

15:53C

Well okay

15:53Me

and to answer your question

because I dont hear about it or see it

which is the beauty I guess

15:54C

thats why this is so great haha

15:54Me

it is pretty great

but then it ruins the point

if i dont

and then I talk to you about it?

15:55C

well then lets just keep that stuff to ourselves/other friends yeh

15:55Me

ok

I am so baked

literally laughing at how stoned I feel. this is amazing. I'm sitting here with a coolface grin tripping to the grooves in my body. its so rad.

flirting since 5th grade

So it's kinda cute.

how you went about the whole persuasion thing.

sure it's clichéd, putting me in a situation like that

but damn. that was cool girl. It's kinda a turn on.

you're really flirting hard. and it's really working on me c

my jumper smells like you.

she

i woke up thinking about her
she's still fresh on my duna

but holy shit she's hard to read. I don't get it. it's cryptic. i feel like I'm doing summersaults trying to understand what she's saying and I can't make sense of it.

this is what I missed hey. sadly for leila, i haven't felt such a strong pull to a person in so long. it feels WONDERFUL. i feel like my purpose has been reinvented and I have a new challenge. I want what I can't have. I want to make her feel so good. the things I could show her, and the way I could make her feel. oh wow.

but she seems uninterested. and then again, why should I be? fresh out of a relationship I should be fishing the sea and doing my own thing. she doesn't place her hand like she did that time and our knees aren't touching. that's odd. this feels all too friendly.

what about that party though? my heart burnt for her that night. holding her close had never felt so good. I was full of energy and it was all coming from her. surely she was charged too? I could feel it in the twists, turns, and restless lips. our knees touched and I got a glimpse of something that I wanted deep down. and it's not even selfish. half of it was knowing how she felt, what it rose in her when I touch her here, or kiss her here. the changes, the feeling, the thought. they all work together in her mind and her heart and it's either not working anymore, I'm doing it wrong out of mal practice, or the worst possible: I've been friendzoned.

I suppose it was stupid to think that I was a little different. those were drunken trails of lust and thought inside her, and my ego just took it on board. an [altered] glimpse of something special... shame.

fuckthat. now she's in my head, then she'll be under my skin. i need to get under hers. she'd love it.

uni library

education lair,
muffled murmurs & quiet;
what a pretty face

indiefags are stupid except for bec.

or more specifically, indiefags are paradoxical. they are a walking talking paradox.

why? lets break down the word. indiefag originates from two places. the 'indie' part is from 'indie' culture or individual culture. basically a bunch of kids who want to be different. sure. the 'fag' connotation comes from the popular internet site 4chan where you get a label, always ending in fag. some examples are 'britfag' for british citizens, ausfag if you're from australia, drawfag if you like drawing, and fagfag if you're gay. 4chan is notorious for it's anonymity. individual and anon together? WTF.

but sure. they're being called indiefags for the very reason just described, as on 4chan they would be called indiefag. how that came mainstream, I will never know. truth is, indiefaggotry is now a trend. wearing tight jeans, bowling shoes and a flanno with ray bans is commonplace, and there are just as many 'indie' kids as emos or goths. it's lost its speciality and its no longer new. people even claim themselves as indie.

I've read a blog where the description was 'we like being alternative and being existentialist'. being existentialist. that's the biggest gross exaggeration ever, and I bet they don't even know what it means. the way its phrased even, 'we like being existentialist' suggests they have no idea what they are talking about, just like the label. that annoys me. destroys the point. another point of self-identification lost in the mass media and current trends.

Kid Cudi doesn't use autotune

And I fuckin respect that. seriously. how many pop stars these days cover up their voiced with autotune? fergi, lil-wayne, justin beiber, usher, everyone does. rockstars are the only guys who don't and that's because it doesn't suit. I'm sure it wont be long. I'm not racist, but I can generalise that it's black guys with high pitched voices who wear designer clothes and sing pretty much about love, money, cars and recycled clichés that use autotune. it is no talent. their producers write the song, and they sing it only to be passed through rigorous computer modification and come out basically as an instrument.

there is one dude, however, called KiD CuDi. yes he does have alternate capitals in his name and that fucks me off, but he doesn't use autotune and he does write his own songs.

this guy is legit. he raps about his life. the shit he does, how much he loves weed and how he got famous. every song has a story and isn't about some generic love affair. pretty sure his use of 'shorty' is sparse too. in fact no song comes to memory where he calls a girl shorty. mad.

but let's take a well known example where he did use autotune. or rather some ugly german weedrat called 'david guetta'. you can check out the vid on youtube. look, it's subtle. but he still does it. tell me he doesn't sound like another layer in the music as opposed to a singer. have a listen. listen again and again. it blends in and the singer loses his integrity within the song.

look basically I feel like it's talentless. It's masking a singer's voice when the whole point of singing is to flaunt their voice. it just so happens that black guys like jason derula, usher, neyo, sean kingston, lil wayne,

t-pain is the exception, because he did it first. it's his style. ok. gotta run to do homework. ciao.

caroline

caroline... is to say the least sweet. I feel like i've gotten a sneak peak of the real girl behind those gorgeous eyelashes and boy do I feel lucky.

she's so refreshing. she's cute. she struggles to show affection but that's alright- I can see it in her eyes when I talk to her. her attitude is by far the coolest thing about her. more people need to be like her. fuck worrying, love your friends and everyone be happy. right on. I love the way she says 'what'. it's such a simple thing but it's so unique of her.

she's gorgeous. her eyelashes, her long fingers, her collar bones, her height and her shoulder. that shoulder. my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder. the other night she stayed at my place until 2am watching a horror movie stoned with me. when she left, a kiss on my cheek and she was gone. for the first time in months, I leant back against the door flustered. she is amazing.

I'm deadly smitten not a week after breaking up with my ex girlfriend of 3 years, and the worst part is I don't feel bad. I feel great. I want to see her more and more because the more I do the less I feel the things that were weighing me down with leila.

most importantly, she makes me feel new. when I'm with her I feel things I haven't felt in over 3 years. I miss it.
---------------------
rained on mind's playland
bitten lip, a giggly trip;
dulcet shoulder bare

monogamy at 17

I'm not picking this as a first post for any significance, simply because it was at the top of my brainstorm of things whirring around my head.

So being 17 and a half, having had a stable consistent relationship for nearly 3 years now I'm faced with the issue of monogamy. I've had a threesome and that was awesome, but it was a one off. A monogamous relationship is one where both partners are sexually and emotionally exclusive to the other, having sexual or romantic disregard for anyone but the significant other. Or that's the case in my head. I feel like this discussion should be split up into two sides: physical and emotional.

Because here's the thing. Emotionally, I'm 100% devoted to Tiger. No doubt about it. I love her to bits, and I love everything about her. She makes me smile, she comforts me, she makes me happy and I make her happy. we have amazing sex and know each other back to front... when she goes away on holiday or whatever, my heart aches to see her, hold her and kiss her again. I Love her.

With the libido of a 17 year old, naturally my eyes wander. More and more I've been noticing other girls in the street, at school, and just... around. I start thinking naughty thoughts about them... and then my sensibility kicks in.

"Hey what the fuck? Why are you thinking about kissing her there!? You shouldn't want to touch her thighs or make her sigh by licking behind her knee. You should want to lick Tiger in those spots... You should want to make your love for her tangible through these things... yet you crave that with other girls? how dare you. That's wrong. That's wrong man... imagine how she'd feel if she knew you thought these things."

My dick fights back. "I've seen Tiger nude a million times. She's still hot but it's regular. She gets changed in front of me... totally takes away the speciality of seeing her nude. I want something new. I want some fresh meat. I want to explore what I don't know. You're 17 moo. I wont stay this hard for this long and serve you so well forever douchebag. Use me on everything possible! I'm sick of your hand."

Sometimes I wonder if it's the source of anger I have with Tiger when we fight... A million times in my head I've thought about whether being with other girls would reinforce the love I have for her. I think in my head I see her, rather than monogamous customs as the barrier between getting what I want and what I need. Maybe if I can disassociate that then things will be a whole lot easier... but for now I NEED TO FUCK.

Monkey once told me that meaningless sex is nothing compared to the real thing. It's just fucking without a cause. Sex in a relationship is the most satisfying because you know each others bodies, and know what the other wants.

I'm saying... I don't know meaningless sex! I've slept with 5 girls. two meant something. The other two I was still attached to Tiger emotionally though not together, and I think that tainted the experience greatly. at its most simplest form... I want to fuck girls because they are hot and for no other reason. I haven't experienced that and I'm going through the time of my life that my sexual organs are at their peak. I think about sex so much and I can't help but imagine that if I had sex with random women that I'd be ok being monogamous for another while...

Time is running out. I'm moving to New Zealand soon, and I fear that if I'm with Tiger until then I'll kick myself for not taking the opportunities I have here. My overreactive brain has figured out that there are at least 4 or 5 girls I could sleep with in Australia. Accessible, close, and sexy. Now while I've said that... I don't want you thinking that I'm holding out on Tiger and think about these 5 girls non stop like it's all that's on my mind. Kinda, but no.

I think the most important thing to me is that I know in my heart that I Love tiger, and am only sexually attracted to other girls. I don't think many people would understand that. It's a hard issue. We're brought up in our society to think that cheating is a deadly sin, you're a slut if you sleep around and affairs are divorce worthy. All I'm saying is, I have needs (how ignorant).

The stigma attached to sleeping around is, in western culture negative. You're labelled with words such as disease, dirty, slut, whore, tramp, and fag. Gay people understand it. Monogamy is for straight people. I'm doomed.

Look... It's complicated. Because anything I do affects tiger, and that's the root of the issue. writing helps: I can get my thoughts out. The internet doesn't care either way.

the beginning

I've created this website because I need to get my heart out to something, as a kind of self therapy. It's easier for me to know my thoughts are no longer locked up in my head, and even if nobody ever reads this I still feel better having it out somewhere. and who knows, maybe future Harley might learn something about himself reading back at whatever I post. chances are it'll flop very quickly... but at least it's a start.