uni library

education lair,
muffled murmurs & quiet;
what a pretty face

indiefags are stupid except for bec.

or more specifically, indiefags are paradoxical. they are a walking talking paradox.

why? lets break down the word. indiefag originates from two places. the 'indie' part is from 'indie' culture or individual culture. basically a bunch of kids who want to be different. sure. the 'fag' connotation comes from the popular internet site 4chan where you get a label, always ending in fag. some examples are 'britfag' for british citizens, ausfag if you're from australia, drawfag if you like drawing, and fagfag if you're gay. 4chan is notorious for it's anonymity. individual and anon together? WTF.

but sure. they're being called indiefags for the very reason just described, as on 4chan they would be called indiefag. how that came mainstream, I will never know. truth is, indiefaggotry is now a trend. wearing tight jeans, bowling shoes and a flanno with ray bans is commonplace, and there are just as many 'indie' kids as emos or goths. it's lost its speciality and its no longer new. people even claim themselves as indie.

I've read a blog where the description was 'we like being alternative and being existentialist'. being existentialist. that's the biggest gross exaggeration ever, and I bet they don't even know what it means. the way its phrased even, 'we like being existentialist' suggests they have no idea what they are talking about, just like the label. that annoys me. destroys the point. another point of self-identification lost in the mass media and current trends.

Kid Cudi doesn't use autotune

And I fuckin respect that. seriously. how many pop stars these days cover up their voiced with autotune? fergi, lil-wayne, justin beiber, usher, everyone does. rockstars are the only guys who don't and that's because it doesn't suit. I'm sure it wont be long. I'm not racist, but I can generalise that it's black guys with high pitched voices who wear designer clothes and sing pretty much about love, money, cars and recycled clichés that use autotune. it is no talent. their producers write the song, and they sing it only to be passed through rigorous computer modification and come out basically as an instrument.

there is one dude, however, called KiD CuDi. yes he does have alternate capitals in his name and that fucks me off, but he doesn't use autotune and he does write his own songs.

this guy is legit. he raps about his life. the shit he does, how much he loves weed and how he got famous. every song has a story and isn't about some generic love affair. pretty sure his use of 'shorty' is sparse too. in fact no song comes to memory where he calls a girl shorty. mad.

but let's take a well known example where he did use autotune. or rather some ugly german weedrat called 'david guetta'. you can check out the vid on youtube. look, it's subtle. but he still does it. tell me he doesn't sound like another layer in the music as opposed to a singer. have a listen. listen again and again. it blends in and the singer loses his integrity within the song.

look basically I feel like it's talentless. It's masking a singer's voice when the whole point of singing is to flaunt their voice. it just so happens that black guys like jason derula, usher, neyo, sean kingston, lil wayne,

t-pain is the exception, because he did it first. it's his style. ok. gotta run to do homework. ciao.

caroline

caroline... is to say the least sweet. I feel like i've gotten a sneak peak of the real girl behind those gorgeous eyelashes and boy do I feel lucky.

she's so refreshing. she's cute. she struggles to show affection but that's alright- I can see it in her eyes when I talk to her. her attitude is by far the coolest thing about her. more people need to be like her. fuck worrying, love your friends and everyone be happy. right on. I love the way she says 'what'. it's such a simple thing but it's so unique of her.

she's gorgeous. her eyelashes, her long fingers, her collar bones, her height and her shoulder. that shoulder. my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder. the other night she stayed at my place until 2am watching a horror movie stoned with me. when she left, a kiss on my cheek and she was gone. for the first time in months, I leant back against the door flustered. she is amazing.

I'm deadly smitten not a week after breaking up with my ex girlfriend of 3 years, and the worst part is I don't feel bad. I feel great. I want to see her more and more because the more I do the less I feel the things that were weighing me down with leila.

most importantly, she makes me feel new. when I'm with her I feel things I haven't felt in over 3 years. I miss it.
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rained on mind's playland
bitten lip, a giggly trip;
dulcet shoulder bare

monogamy at 17

I'm not picking this as a first post for any significance, simply because it was at the top of my brainstorm of things whirring around my head.

So being 17 and a half, having had a stable consistent relationship for nearly 3 years now I'm faced with the issue of monogamy. I've had a threesome and that was awesome, but it was a one off. A monogamous relationship is one where both partners are sexually and emotionally exclusive to the other, having sexual or romantic disregard for anyone but the significant other. Or that's the case in my head. I feel like this discussion should be split up into two sides: physical and emotional.

Because here's the thing. Emotionally, I'm 100% devoted to Tiger. No doubt about it. I love her to bits, and I love everything about her. She makes me smile, she comforts me, she makes me happy and I make her happy. we have amazing sex and know each other back to front... when she goes away on holiday or whatever, my heart aches to see her, hold her and kiss her again. I Love her.

With the libido of a 17 year old, naturally my eyes wander. More and more I've been noticing other girls in the street, at school, and just... around. I start thinking naughty thoughts about them... and then my sensibility kicks in.

"Hey what the fuck? Why are you thinking about kissing her there!? You shouldn't want to touch her thighs or make her sigh by licking behind her knee. You should want to lick Tiger in those spots... You should want to make your love for her tangible through these things... yet you crave that with other girls? how dare you. That's wrong. That's wrong man... imagine how she'd feel if she knew you thought these things."

My dick fights back. "I've seen Tiger nude a million times. She's still hot but it's regular. She gets changed in front of me... totally takes away the speciality of seeing her nude. I want something new. I want some fresh meat. I want to explore what I don't know. You're 17 moo. I wont stay this hard for this long and serve you so well forever douchebag. Use me on everything possible! I'm sick of your hand."

Sometimes I wonder if it's the source of anger I have with Tiger when we fight... A million times in my head I've thought about whether being with other girls would reinforce the love I have for her. I think in my head I see her, rather than monogamous customs as the barrier between getting what I want and what I need. Maybe if I can disassociate that then things will be a whole lot easier... but for now I NEED TO FUCK.

Monkey once told me that meaningless sex is nothing compared to the real thing. It's just fucking without a cause. Sex in a relationship is the most satisfying because you know each others bodies, and know what the other wants.

I'm saying... I don't know meaningless sex! I've slept with 5 girls. two meant something. The other two I was still attached to Tiger emotionally though not together, and I think that tainted the experience greatly. at its most simplest form... I want to fuck girls because they are hot and for no other reason. I haven't experienced that and I'm going through the time of my life that my sexual organs are at their peak. I think about sex so much and I can't help but imagine that if I had sex with random women that I'd be ok being monogamous for another while...

Time is running out. I'm moving to New Zealand soon, and I fear that if I'm with Tiger until then I'll kick myself for not taking the opportunities I have here. My overreactive brain has figured out that there are at least 4 or 5 girls I could sleep with in Australia. Accessible, close, and sexy. Now while I've said that... I don't want you thinking that I'm holding out on Tiger and think about these 5 girls non stop like it's all that's on my mind. Kinda, but no.

I think the most important thing to me is that I know in my heart that I Love tiger, and am only sexually attracted to other girls. I don't think many people would understand that. It's a hard issue. We're brought up in our society to think that cheating is a deadly sin, you're a slut if you sleep around and affairs are divorce worthy. All I'm saying is, I have needs (how ignorant).

The stigma attached to sleeping around is, in western culture negative. You're labelled with words such as disease, dirty, slut, whore, tramp, and fag. Gay people understand it. Monogamy is for straight people. I'm doomed.

Look... It's complicated. Because anything I do affects tiger, and that's the root of the issue. writing helps: I can get my thoughts out. The internet doesn't care either way.

the beginning

I've created this website because I need to get my heart out to something, as a kind of self therapy. It's easier for me to know my thoughts are no longer locked up in my head, and even if nobody ever reads this I still feel better having it out somewhere. and who knows, maybe future Harley might learn something about himself reading back at whatever I post. chances are it'll flop very quickly... but at least it's a start.